Lovely ramble ❤️

I always wanted to write about love... Love is a touchy subject for me for a lot of reasons... which, if I'm honest enough I may be able to list most of them...

I'm really not used to having a love life... not because I didn't want to but because I'm rather scared of what might happen to me and my feelings. Experiences are what makes a person, and my experiences in general have been great... but in love matters I've actually have little experience... because I haven't permit myself to actually feel something towards someone else in a romantic way.

It sort of sounds very drastic, but it has took me a long time to accept that I might be enough for someone else even if other say I am... is a personal issue I think I have to deal myself, and since I'm a good procrastinator, I have been pushing the matter further and further in time... waiting for that someone who may make me reconsider the lifestyle I'm trying to live in...

Being honest with myself, I don't like loneliness and I've never had. But I also don't like pain, sentimental pain. I'm one of those who make the matter worse in their own mind... and throw themselves to the mud. So, for some years, and after a pretty painful experience of being left for no good reason after some years of relationship I developed kind of a destructive personality for myself, and I always put myself in situations where no one could see me or where people wasn't good for me or there was no future for me with them.

So, like a domino effect... I was not good enough, the company I had was never going to see me as a good choice because they didn't want or had no choice, so again, I was never good enough... and well It kind of destroys ones soul... in a matter of speaking.

I portray a strong and cheerful woman, but being like that always makes people think you're OK, and because I'm also very proud, I don't admit I'm not feeling OK... So it is as if I don't want to help my situation.

Recently, I allowed myself to feel. And I'm terrified. I can't concentrate, I can't think of anything else. But also is kind of refreshing, something new for a change. I met someone that may be what I need... but again... the insecurities are there, and the fear as well. I don't know how how things are done in any situation, I don't know what's wrong or right, I don't know what's nothing, what's enough and what's too much.

In a lifestyle where I have almost everything under control, this new status freaks me out. But, I'm allowing myself to enjoy it.

I don't know what will happen, and I don't even know if the other person feel something similar to what i feel... But I'll live the moment. I don't even know myself if I'm feeling love or just infatuation, but I'll feel it anyways. Because, why not!?

I think the end of 2014 is bringing me new emotions and challenges that inspire me to push myself to new experiences, I'll make sure to live my life the fullest way I can, because time passes so fast and in a blink of an eye I'm closer to 30 than ever... Haha age has never matter to me, but time flying through me does...

I hope someday I come back to read this ramble and remember what I used to feel, and how I used to be. I wonder if I'll be proud of my decisions or not... That I'll have to answer myself later on.


A/N: I don't know if I wrote this with good grammar or not, If I didn't well... It was a ramble anyways... 


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